Flash, flesh

They say that when you die, life passes you by in a flash. You witness the key moments of your life. I didn't believe it, and yes, I was right. 

But death has allowed me this and assured me that every person, at least those who choose to be buried, is conscious for the first 5 minutes in the coffin, awake to taste the loneliness that inhabiting this nothing entails. Five minutes, because no one will last longer.

The Telegraph


Well, here I am. My first thoughts go to my father, whom I often thought of in the first days, weeks, months after his funeral, so alone in his grave.

How I pressed myself against him, sitting on the back of his bike. How I looked at him, on my own bike, during a trip, at a turn, a junction. Are we going left, right or straight on?

I see the penis of the boy next door, he was older than us. I feel that there were several children present, but who?  Who was there? Can I talk about it?  I remember nothing, nothing  about  how I ended up in this situation,   nothing about what happened next, no, only the image of his penis, his bent, not stiff penis, the glans is still hidden. Kinda cute. 

Those were  the years of "in the bushes" and it was written with chalk on walls that I went with that girl.  And when I passed that text, I wondered if she was really in love with me.

I see her before me now.  She had a beautiful  soft, round face, she spoke, what did she say? Her lips were moist, her eyes sparkling, she was eager  to live. 

I am thinking of the car accident on the ring road at the end of our street, in which a young girl died.  In order to save her for life, I would have liked to die.  This kind of sacrifice I have felt all my life, when reading about a tragic accident in which a woman died. Let  her live!   Most recently, the death of Bethan Roper, a twenty-eight-year-old woman, who died leaning out of the window of a moving train and being hit by a tree or a branch.

BBC

I remember my niece Marie, the first woman in my life.   I fell in love with her.  Her powdered face and pink lipstick, her dark hair in a beehive, the skirt and her legs in nylons.  Such a skirt that brought the knees together.  I longed  to wear such a skirt.   “The pencil skirt feels different from looser skirts, and impacts the wearer's movements and posture. Walking needs to be done in short strides, and entering and leaving a car gracefully takes practice. When sitting, the legs need to be close together. Activities such as climbing ladders and riding bicycles can be very difficult in a pencil skirt. Due to reduced ventilation, the pencil skirt is warmer than other styles, and it is less likely to be blown up by gusts of wind.”

Wikipedia

I remember rubbing my knees together, getting an erection and soon after that spraying my seed. I felt the little shocks behind my balls. I remember the sweet smell of sperm. It was during a mathematics class in the first class of high school.  I was terrified during those lessons.  Afraid of being asked to explain and solve a mathematical problem before class.

The stain in my pants. Seen by someone? The smell ? Did no one smell that?

To soothe myself, I have masturbated every day of all my life, say from the age of twelve. Nowadays I have to use my hand.  

Healthline

I remember the first issues of Transexual Climax, a magazine of the Swedish Color Climax Corporation, which I bought in the eighties.  I recognized something of myself in the models and was moved. I sensed a deep understanding. I was envious of them.  They looked beautiful and well-accomplished.   Hybrid creatures in beautiful clothes, fucking and sucking in luxury apartments.

I searched through Google Images, using the terms camel toe and thigh gap, collecting photos on my hard drive.  The first term refers to the print of the female genitals in textile, the second to the absence of the penis.

For the first we went to England for the holidays. We have arrived in Calais. I get out of the car. It will take a while before we can board the train that will take us through the tunnel to our destination.  I look at a couple nearby, they’ve just stepped out of the car to stretch their legs. They were clearly in love with each other. If only that  young blonde woman was my companion! No, I long to be that woman!

The five minutes are almost over. Have I come to insight? No, as usual I was only looking for distraction. But I have accomplished it.