Decades into his long life, the poet Robert Graves defined love as “a recognition of another person’s integrity and truth in a way that… makes both of you light up when you recognize the quality in the other.” A generation later, the poetic playwright Tom Stoppard defined it as “knowledge of each other… knowledge of self, the real him, the real her, in extremis, the mask slipped from the face.” This unmasked fact is the antidote to the most dangerous fiction the Romantics bequeathed us — their model of love as union between lover and beloved, a kind of fusion of selves, with its connotation of mutual completion rather than mutual recognition of and rejoicing in two parallel completenesses.
Most commonly known as the Golden Rule, it mistakes the reality of the self for the only reality, taking one’s own wishes, desires, and longings as universal and presuming that the other shares those precisely — negating the sovereign reality of the other, negating the possibility that a very different person might want something very different done unto them.
She writes:
“Art and morals are… one. Their essence is the same. The essence of both of them is love. Love is the perception of individuals. Love is the extremely difficult realisation that something other than oneself is real. Love, and so art and morals, is the discovery of reality.”
“The tragic freedom implied by love is this: that we all have an indefinitely extended capacity to imagine the being of others. Tragic, because there is no prefabricated harmony, and others are, to an extent we never cease discovering, different from ourselves… Freedom is exercised in the confrontation by each other, in the context of an infinitely extensible work of imaginative understanding, of two irreducibly dissimilar individuals. Love is the imaginative recognition of, that is respect for, this otherness.”
Making
friends might come easier to some people than others, but in general, we all
use the same criteria for forming relationships. We are drawn to people who
share our interests, or who we simply like and admire.
Once we
make friends, we tend to hold them in high esteem. We speak positively about
our friends, sometimes ignoring or downplaying their negative qualities. For
many people, this positive outlook is the core of friendship – being a “good”
friend is a matter of thinking and feeling positively about them, as well as
acting in caring ways towards them.
This
type of friendship is what I’ll call “knowledge-free” – it involves no
requirement to really know or understand the other person. On the flip side,
this view of friendship suggests that having negative beliefs about your
friends (even if those beliefs are warranted) makes you a worse friend.
As an
ethicist who has researched friendship and virtue, this view of friendship just
doesn’t seem right to me. It doesn’t capture all of what we want from
friendship. I have studied the work of British-Irish novelist and philosopher
Iris Murdoch – and I suggest that her writings provide us with a fuller view of
friendship.
Murdoch
occupied a rare niche in 20th century philosophy, as a woman working in a
fairly male-dominated field. She was also a Platonist interested in the reality
of “the Good” in an era when such metaphysical theorising was deeply unpopular.
A highly successful novelist, Murdoch’s many books explore the trials and
tribulations of intimate relationships.
Love is knowledge
Much of Murdoch’s philosophical work examines the moral significance of love (which I take to be part of friendship). She regarded love as a central part of our moral life that had been unjustly ignored in the moral philosophy of her era, in favour of an endless focus on the function of moral language.
The Conversation , November 9, 2021.
The
20th-century novelist and philosopher Iris Murdoch had a profound love for her
closest friend, the philosopher, Philippa Foot. The two women first met when
they were students taking classes in philosophy at Somerville College, Oxford.
They remained friends for over six decades. From the 1940s to the 1990s,
Murdoch wrote over 250 letters to Foot, some of which were recently published.
The relationship
between Murdoch and Foot gave shape and meaning to both of their lives. Murdoch
referred to Foot as “essential you” and said that Foot was “a constant figure”
in her “mental world”. During a period of estrangement, Murdoch wrote: “Losing
you, and losing you in that way, was one of the worst things that ever happened
to me. I hope very much that we can now recapture something.”
After a
reconciliation she wrote, “Pippa, you know without my telling you that my love
for you remains as deep and tender as ever – and always will remain, it is so
deep in me and so much part of me. I cannot imagine that anyone will ever take
your place. I think of you very often. My dear heart, I love you.” After
Murdoch’s death, Foot reported that Murdoch was “the light” of her life.
Some
interpreters have suggested that this was not a mere friendship but a lesbian
love affair. In fact, their relationship did become sexual at one point. But,
as Foot explained to Murdoch’s friend and biographer, Peter Conradi, they realised
that their feelings for each other were not best expressed in this way. The
sexual aspect of their relationship stopped soon after it began.
What,
then, were Murdoch and Foot to each other? Close friends? Lovers? Murdoch
herself grappled with this question. She wrote to Foot, “Sometimes I feel I
have to invent a language to talk to you in, though my heart is very full of
definite things to say. You stir some very deep part of my soul. Be patient
with me and don’t be angry with my peculiarities. I love you very much.” It
seems Murdoch herself didn’t quite know how to characterise her affections for
Foot.
What
they had may best be described as a “romantic friendship”. The term has
recently gained traction in popular discourse and is used to refer to
relationships that are intensely intimate, but that in some way fall short of
full-blown romantic relationships. Although the term is recent, the concept is
not new. The Ancient Greek word “philia” or “friendly love”, did not
distinguish between romantic and non-romantic friendships. And the term “Boston
marriage”, coined by Henry James, was used in the 19th century to describe
intimate partnerships between women that were not always sexual.
The idea
of romantic friendships has gained popularity partly due to an increasing
frustration about conventional notions of romantic love. As the philosopher
Carrie Jenkins argues, our conception of romantic love is largely socially
constructed; that is, there is nothing essential or inevitable about the ways
we conceive of romantic relationships. Instead, the expectations we have around
romantic relationships are determined in large part by our socio-historical
context and can often encode oppressive norms. And according to Jenkins, the
mainstream conception of romantic love – soulmates who fall in love, settle
into a monogamous lifelong partnership, and have children – is too narrow to
capture the sorts of romantic relationships that many of us find most
fulfilling.
The
proliferation of new relationship models, including romantic friendships,
reflects a growing desire to be imaginative about what intimate relationships
can look like. Romantic friendships take some of the elements of a traditional
romantic relationship – the desire for intimacy, the commitment to build one’s
life around another person, and even sex – without having to take all of them
at once.
Of
course, once we dispense with the notion that there is one appropriate model
for a romantic relationship, it’s harder to see what distinguishes a romantic
relationship from a close friendship. What does it really mean to ask whether
the love between Murdoch and Foot was romantic or platonic?
Questions
about the status of Murdoch and Foot’s relationship arise partly because of the
intensity of their connection. At times, Murdoch wrote Foot multiple letters
over the course of a few days. She told Foot about her friends, her travels,
and her writing. She shared her ideas for her novels and asked Foot about her
life, the work she was doing, and her family. What is reflected in Murdoch’s
letters is a deep desire to know Foot and to be known by her. We don’t have
access to Foot’s responses, but given her lifelong devotion to Murdoch, we can
assume she felt similarly.
We can
think of the intense connection between them as in line with Murdoch’s own
account of love. In The Sovereignty of the Good (1970), she theorised that love
is vision perfected. It is seeing the other person with clarity, as she really
is, in all her particularity and detail. In Murdoch’s view, love is a
willingness or a choice to see another person this way. But it is also more
than this. Love is a desire – a desire to really see the other person and to be
seen by them in return.
Even
though Murdoch and Foot were not in a committed romantic partnership, and even
though their relationship was not primarily sexual, they were in love in the
sense of having a deep desire to know and be known. The intense desire to know
and be known is what gives their friendship a romantic feel. If the traditional
romantic relationship model is limiting, the kind of romantic friendship that
Murdoch and Foot had is inspiring.
Part of
what is appealing about romantic friendships is being able to have the love and
closeness associated with romantic relationships without the corresponding
practical arrangements of sharing one’s day-to-day life with another person –
something typically associated with traditional romantic partnerships. Part of
what is appealing may also be the idea of being able to have a kind of erotic love
– a desire to possess or be proximate to another’s beauty – that doesn’t
require sexual or physical attraction. Even though Murdoch and Foot ultimately
decided not to pursue a sexual relationship, they were able to have a
relationship that was deeply intimate and, in some sense, erotic.
Yet
romantic friendship isn’t without risk. Murdoch was afraid of Foot, claiming
that her fear and love of Foot were “consubstantial”. Why? At times Murdoch
found herself “unable to communicate” with Foot. Their communications were
“problematic and filled with a sense of danger which is sometimes thrilling and
sometimes sad”. Murdoch felt she couldn’t “link expression and emotion, and
that no expression seems quite easy, adequate, right”, noting how odd it was
that they were “awkward… with each other after all these years”.
Here we
see the intense desire to be known and loved in a romantic friendship brings
with it much of the same vulnerability that is found in traditional romantic
relationships. In fact, romantic friendships might involve heightened
vulnerability. Part of what Murdoch describes in relation to Foot is an
inability to really understand what she feels, or what she needs from Foot.
In
effect, Murdoch and Foot didn’t have the language to talk about what they were
to each other, or to describe their relationship to others. They didn’t have a
framework to make sense of the insecurity and vulnerability they felt in
relation to each other, nor explicit norms to help them navigate it. Having a
term like “romantic friendship” may have helped.
Ultimately,
deep, lasting love comes in many forms. And as we continue to generate
alternatives to the traditional relationship model, it is equally important to
expand our language. As the feminist theorist bell hooks argues, “a good
definition marks our starting point and lets us know where we want to end up.
As we move toward our desired destination we chart the journey, creating a map.
We need a map to guide us on our journey to love – starting with the place
where we know what we mean when we speak of love.”
Sukaina
Hirji is assistant professor of philosophy at the University of Pennsylvania
and Meena Krishnamurthy is assistant professor of philosophy at Queen’s
University.
This
article is part of the Agora series, a collaboration between the New Statesman
and Aaron James Wendland. Wendland is Vision Fellow in Public Philosophy at
King’s College, London and a Senior Research Fellow at Massey College, Toronto.
What is
romantic friendship? Deep and lasting
connection comes in many forms: we need a new vocabulary to talk about love. By
Sukaina Hirji and Meena Krishnamurthy.
The New Statesman, November 2, 2021.
In April
1945, a newsreel film entitled German Atrocities appeared in British cinemas.
Having been spared graphic images during most of the war, this was, for most
British civilians, their first encounter with the horrors of the concentration
camps. After watching footage of emaciated bodies and piled-up corpses, the
24-year-old Philippa Foot told her mentor, the philosopher Donald MacKinnon:
“Nothing is ever going to be the same again.” These were acts, Foot felt, that
were undeniably evil, and if philosophy was unable to identify them as such,
then there was a major problem with philosophy.
And
there was indeed a problem. The moral philosophy taught at Oxford in the 1930s
and 1940s pictured the world as value free. According to the influential AJ
Ayer, all ethical statements, since they can never be empirically tested, are
meaningless.
Foot had studied at Oxford with three other remarkable women: Iris Murdoch, Elizabeth Anscombe and Mary Midgley, each of whom was to devote themselves to arguing with the Oxford tradition, be it through novels, academic papers, books or radio broadcasts.
Benjamin
Lipscomb’s new group biography, The Women Are Up to Something, is a fascinating
exploration of their life and thought. They each tackled moral philosophy in
ways as distinct as their backgrounds and beliefs. Bringing together Murdoch,
“a bohemian novelist and spiritual seeker,” Anscombe, “a zealous Catholic
convert and mother of seven,” Foot, “an atheistic daughter of privilege,” and
Midgley, “a stay-at-home mother who finally wrote the first of her 16 books in
her 50s” (59 to be precise), Lipscomb paints a vivid portrait not only of them
as people, but also a moment in British philosophy too often told through the
male line.
While
never a “school” as such—though all went to Somerville College, Oxford—the four
would interact in various ways for over 50 years, engaging in debates in
person, through correspondence, or via some of the most important essays on
ethics of the 20th century. They also occasionally swapped lovers, developed
crushes on each other and, possibly, attempted seduction. (In fairness, all
such occasions tended to involve Murdoch.)
Lipscomb delights in bringing the women’s personal stories to life. For Anscombe (at one point “tracksuited and smoking a cigar”), the orthodoxies of motherhood were of little interest—legend has it that she would place a label on her children that read “If found wandering, please return to 27 St John Street”—while her domestic philosophy, as she told the Manchester Guardian in 1959, was that “dirt doesn’t matter.”
What did
matter was philosophy. For Anscombe that invariably meant Wittgenstein, whose
greatest translator she remains. Initially her relationship, by her own
admission, was “besotted reverence,” where “almost anything Wittgenstein said
sounded important and true to me.” Later she pushed back against the Austrian
thinker, describing his views on religion as “sheer poison.” Still, it was by
her own request that her grave now sits next to his in the Ascension Parish in
Cambridge.
Foot was the granddaughter of US president Grover Cleveland, the child of an aristocratic upbringing that she could never shake off. She was aware of the subtleties of the class system in ways that dismayed her: “If you are called ‘Lady Mary’ you had to be terribly grand, much grander than being called ‘Lady Murray.’ It’s the kind of thing I knew. I hated it.”
Midgley,
meanwhile, was the daughter of a priest, and brought up in the faith that she
later lost, referring to Christianity as an engine she couldn’t start.
Foot had studied at Oxford with three other remarkable women: Iris Murdoch, Elizabeth Anscombe and Mary Midgley, each of whom was to devote themselves to arguing with the Oxford tradition, be it through novels, academic papers, books or radio broadcasts.
Lipscomb delights in bringing the women’s personal stories to life. For Anscombe (at one point “tracksuited and smoking a cigar”), the orthodoxies of motherhood were of little interest—legend has it that she would place a label on her children that read “If found wandering, please return to 27 St John Street”—while her domestic philosophy, as she told the Manchester Guardian in 1959, was that “dirt doesn’t matter.”
Foot was the granddaughter of US president Grover Cleveland, the child of an aristocratic upbringing that she could never shake off. She was aware of the subtleties of the class system in ways that dismayed her: “If you are called ‘Lady Mary’ you had to be terribly grand, much grander than being called ‘Lady Murray.’ It’s the kind of thing I knew. I hated it.”
In philosophical terms, Murdoch was the outlier who often bemoaned her inferiority to Foot and Anscombe in particular, envying the latter’s “ruthless authenticity.” For Anscombe, dirt didn’t matter and what didn’t matter one could ignore. For a great novelist like Murdoch, everything had to matter, the great mess of humanity most of all.
But these were not normal times. From 1939 to 1942, the war meant the student body was predominantly female. The effect, notes Midgley, was not only to “make it a great deal easier for women to be heard in discussion,” but also—and this is understood with greater clarity now—for a diminution of “the amount of work that one thinks is needed to make one’s opinion worth hearing.” It allowed space for the women to tackle the philosophy dominating Oxford at the time.
Anscombe’s critique of Oxford philosophy was perhaps the most powerful. In her 1958 paper “Modern Moral Philosophy,” she identified the contrasts between contemporary ethics and those of Aristotle. Where utilitarianism (the greatest good for the greatest number) and deontology (the idea of moral duty) are an ethics of doing, for Aristotle ethics are a matter of being. A virtue, argues Aristotle, is something that makes a person good, and a good person is someone who lives virtuously. We gain and increase these virtues by practising them. By living out our lives in honest, brave or just ways, our character becomes honourable and moral. By honing noble habits, we make the right choices when set ethical questions and challenges. This system of “virtue ethics” would become hugely influential—the four women all adopted some version of it.
Lipscomb’s book succeeds wonderfully in presenting a particular era in philosophy, and the huge influence of, in particular, Anscombe and Foot in the field of ethics. One area not explored much is that of sex and gender. In a way, this mirrors the women’s writing. Lipscomb notes that only Midgley wrote anything about the (philosophical) question of “women,” and then mostly in the context of being allowed to think and to work.
Is a
good philosopher also necessarily a good writer? Bertrand Russell and Jean-Paul
Sartre were both, each receiving a Nobel Prize in Literature. Other great
thinkers, however, haven’t impressed as much when it comes to the written word.
Aristotle and Kant, two of the greatest philosophers, were among the field’s
worst writers. At least, this is how things appear to Bryan Magee (1930-2019),
the celebrated British broadcaster and populiser of philosophy.
In this
video from his BBC Two series Men of Ideas (1978), Magee interviews the
novelist and philosopher Iris Murdoch, and the two set out to chart the
distinctions between literary and philosophical writing and, by extension,
literature and philosophy as independent disciplines. While the wide-ranging
interview covers much ground, including the knotty instances in which writers
of literary fiction claim to have been influenced by foundational philosophical
ideas, Murdoch distills her views eloquently at the outset, declaring that,
while philosophy aims to clarify, literature is for fun and mystification.
When
does philosophy overlap with literature? Iris Murdoch talks to Bryan Magee.
Aeon, September 24, 2019
Aeon, September 24, 2019
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